In the News - May 2009
Older siblings need time to accept new baby
LITTLE ROCK - Bringing home a new baby is often joyous for parents, but it's
not always quite as exciting for older siblings who may be unsure of how their
lives might change. They may wish that the little intruder could be sent away.
Parents can't make everything about having a new baby brother or sister
pleasant, but there are things they can do to ease the transition.
Dr. Wally Goddard, family life specialist at the University of Arkansas
Division of Agriculture's Cooperative Extension Service, recommends against
insincerity.
"One of the approaches that some people take is to say to the child, 'We just
have loved having you in our home so much that we thought it might be nice to
have another child,'" says Goddard. "That's about like coming home and saying to
your spouse, 'I've just enjoyed being married to you so much that I thought it
might be nice to add another partner.' Children often feel crowded out by the
new baby, and they may say, 'Look, if I were so good you wouldn't be needing
another child. I would be making you happy by myself.'"
It's better, he says, to explain that while the new baby will hopefully be an
enjoyable addition to the family, his or her presence will probably cause some
inconvenience for the older siblings. Mom and dad may be more busy or tired when
the new baby arrives. Older children may have to accommodate the newcomer in
several ways, including moving to different bedrooms.
Parents should be compassionate, acknowledging the children's frustration
with the situation and watching for signs from the children in determining how
to react. Goddard likes to use red, yellow, green indicators, with children in
the red being the most angry or upset.
"What they need most when they're in the red is love and comfort," he says. "It won't
do any good to try to reason with a child who is upset."
Yellow represents children who are upset but not overwhelmed. Those children
may be better equipped to process their feelings if their parents help them put
those emotions into words, like "I bet you're feeling lonely right now."
Children in the green feel peaceful, safe and loved.
"Don't try to push a child to solutions when they're still feeling anxious
and upset," Goddard cautions. "You can engage in some problem-solving once they
get to green light."
Children who feel helpful are more likely to feel included and may have an
easier time adjusting to younger siblings, he says.
"One of the dangers is that they will feel pushed aside, ignored or
undervalued," says Goddard. "It helps children when they really have a role
that's meaningful and matters - when they feel useful."
Older siblings might be asked to help get the nursery ready for the baby -
picking out bedding or outfits and decorating the room, choosing places for
sleeping or diaper changes, etc. If they enjoy singing, parents might ask if
they would be willing to sing to the baby sometimes.
"Instead of making it seem that the parents' best energy is pointed toward
the baby with none left for them, children can be drawn into helping. It's
they've been promoted to a partnership role with the parent," Goddard explains.
"Now, the child doesn't have ultimate decision power, but the he or she is
actively involved with you in preparing for the baby and helping you around the
house. They become active participants in the process as opposed to feeling
pushed to the side and feeling marginalized."
Goddard's wife, Nancy, offered their oldest daughter, Emily, a doll to care
for when younger siblings Andy and Sarah joined the family. The doll made Emily
feel included, mirroring her mother's activities without danger to the fragile
newborn.
Whether having a sibling visit the new baby in the hospital is appropriate,
Goddard says, it depends on the child's disposition, energy level and
personality. Will the child feel left out if not taken to visit mom and baby at
the hospital?
"It depends on the child. The older child's time at home without mom can be
framed as an adventure. The child stays with grandparents or at a friend's
house. They may love the adventure," says Goddard. "Keep them informed and so
they don't feel shocked when a little baby shows up at the house. But they might
quite prefer to be at a friend's house than to be in confined quarters at the
hospital where they're not allowed to run around and play and have no toys."
A more nurturing child might enjoy being at the hospital, involved in caring
for and helping mommy and the new baby.
"It requires us to get outside our own needs and preferences and figure out
what our children need," says Goddard.
For more information about marriage and relationships, visit the extension's
Web site, www.arfamilies.org, or contact your county extension agent. The
Cooperative Extension Service is part of the U of A Division of Agriculture.
May 1, 2009
By Kimberly Dishongh
For the Cooperative Extension Service
Media Contact: Lamar James
Extension Communications Specialist
U of A Division of Agriculture
Cooperative Extension Service
(501) 671-2187
ljames@uaex.edu
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