In the News - February 2008
Love is a garden to be cultivated
LITTLE ROCK - Valentine's Day may be the traditional day that love is
celebrated, but love really must be cultivated year 'round. Candy, flowers,
poetry and other romantic treats or gestures are thoughtful ways to observe a
relationship in bloom but are not likely to do much for a relationship that's
been neglected since the last gift-giving occasion.
Dr. Wallace Goddard, family life specialist with the University of Arkansas
Cooperative Extension Service offers five tips to maintain a healthy
relationship 365 days a year.
1) Practice humility.
"Psychology tells us that what we as humans tend to see what we look for. If
we look for offenses against us or if we look for selfishness in a partner,
we'll probably find it. If we look for graciousness, kindness and goodness,
we'll probably find them," says Goddard. There is often a "hardening of
categories" in marriage, meaning that people tend to see their partners in a
certain way. Next they start to look for confirming evidence and the cycle
continues.
One thing men can do in this vein is to accept influence from their partners.
"I think there's a tendency for men to think they're right, and some may
think their wives aren't logical. The result is that they discount their wives'
observations. That's risky," says Goddard. "Because even though their partners
may work from a little bit different logic chain or start from some different
assumptions, the ability to hear what they have to say is really important to
making good balanced decisions - and respecting our partners."
2) Look for the good.
"That means taking the time to notice the things our partners do that we
appreciate, including the parts of our partner that inevitably, at times, will
be inconvenient but that are still a blessing that we chose and would continue
to choose if we had good sense," Goddard explains.
3) Speak your partner's language of love.
Gary Chapman, author of the Five Love Languages series, points out that
nothing you do to show love for your partner will be effective unless what
you're doing matters to your partner.
4) Do maintenance.
John Gottman, one of the country's foremost authorities in marriage research,
says that a trip to Hawaii won't heat up a relationship if you haven't kept the
pilot light lit.
"It isn't the great big events that are the key to having a continuing
healthy relationship. Instead the little conversations, the spending 10 or 15
minutes a day to catch up on each other, the doing little things together,
whether it's working in the yard or painting a room or watching videos. Little
things done together regularly provide maintenance that's very important," says
Goddard.
5) Foster companionship.
Jonathan Haidt, talks about the idea that in the early stages of a
relationships the romance initially skyrockets and then starts to decline within
a short period of time, says Goddard.
For a relationship to continue, it's important for people to evolve
gracefully from the electric jolt of early romance to the sweet satisfaction of
being with someone whose company is comforting.
Gottman recommends keeping a list of the qualities that we enjoy in our
partner in a wallet, keeping photos of cherished times handy, or keeping a small
scrapbook handy to page through every now and then and remind us of the good
times and help us remember what we enjoyed about them in the first place. That
is the key to a healthy relationship.
For more information about marriage and relationships, visit the extension's
Web site, www.arfamilies.org, or contact your county extension agent. The
Cooperative Extension Service is part of the U of A Division of Agriculture.
February 8, 2008
By Kimberly Dishongh
For the Cooperative Extension Service
Media Contact: Lamar James
Extension Communications Specialists
U of A Division of Agriculture
Cooperative Extension Service
(501) 671-2187 or (501) 753-0207
ljames@uaex.edu
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